If you find your responses are things like, "I don't feel safe to express myself, I don't feel respected and haven't felt happy in a long time," that's a sign that things have gone awry - and you shouldn't ignore it. Drill down on that initial instinct and ask yourself more specific questions.
"We often ignore our gut instincts because that voice is very quiet and calm, unlike the internal voice in our heads that thrives on high drama." We're trained to trust logic in many areas of life, so when a niggling feeling ("Am I really still in love with this person?") presents itself, it's hard to pay attention to it because there aren't any hard facts or rational reasoning. Our instincts can often tell us first when a relationship just isn't working - but we don't always trust that voice, says couples therapist Susan Pease Gadoua, co-author of The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels. "You can be in the same room, one of you on the computer, one of you ," Fleming says, but "if you find that you're never actively engaging together - you're together, alone, doing your own thing - that's an indication there's disconnection, or a lack of connection." You're With Each Other.But Not Really With Each Other When something comes up in life, whether that's a work event or any accomplishment and your partner isn't the first person you're sharing it with - or one of the firsts, Fleming says that it may be that "you prefer to get your needs mets outside the relationship." To that end, Greer points out that not having any meaningful conversations aside from "rudimentary conversations about chores and things that need to get done" is a warning sign that your relationship is not in a good place. If any these signs hit home for you, it's time to take a hard look at whether this is a marriage you want to stay in. In fact, "one statistic reported that 85 percent of those who divorce remarry within five years," she says.
People feel sad and grieve when they decide to let go - but people who divorce do recover emotionally, and Cole says most find new relationships. Research shows that people in bad marriages usually have low self-esteem, struggle with anxiety and depression, and have a higher rate of illness than those who don't. So many stick with mediocrity, settling for low-level pain and dissatisfaction instead.īut that's not your best bet: "Staying in a seriously unhappy marriage can have long-term effects on our mental and emotional health," says Carrie Cole, a couples therapist and Master Certified Gottman Therapist by the Gottman Institute.
Making the decision to leave a marriage is scary: There's often a deep fear of being alone, not to mention the possibility of an unknown future.
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